I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
