they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
porn star boner night. come get it.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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