So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
