i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
