I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
