dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
