The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
