i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
