Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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