wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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