Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
