So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
