you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
