This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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