Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
