Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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