i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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