I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
