I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just want nice things and good sex
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
