I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
