you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
