I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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