you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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