i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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