if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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