So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
