whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just puked most of my soul out..
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
