FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
