please come you make the beer taste better
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
