he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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