That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
