Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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