Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
