Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
The maid of honor just puked.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
How external is "for external use only"?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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