My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
4 words: hood of his car
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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