I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
