I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
