You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
