two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
