and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
