So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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