every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
