There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The uberlube is also flammable
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I need water and some morals
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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