My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Damn victory sex feels great
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
