My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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