Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
