I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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