so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
