I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
