fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
