ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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