cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
