She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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