I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
