Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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