My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
