Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
